Not wanting to be alone
by iamsusan
Summary: Post Gormagon, Bones and Booth sleep together. How will it affect their relationship? Summary sucks, story is hopefully better. Will also look at how the other squints are affected. Will be continued.
1. Chapter 1

Special agent Seeley Booth awoke to the sun in his eyes, a serial killer dead and the warmth of a body beside him. Smiling, he settled back down onto the pillows. Life seemed good.

Then he sat bolt upright. They had lost Zack, a friend, almost family and an FBI agent was dead. Life was not good.

The night before, one of the worst of his life, was hazy. He could remember Gormagon, the sense of betrayal when Zack had been revealed as a murderer, seeing the box of Zack's possessions, but after that...nothing.

Sensing the sudden movement beside her, Brennan jolted into consciousness. She sat up, sleepy bewilderment turning to embarrassed confusion as she realised who was sharing her bed. Booth froze.

'_I haven't. No, we couldn't have, not yet. But, I must have. I didn't want it to happen this way! How's she going to react? What's she going to say?' _He wondered nervously.

"Um, we didn't...?" Her words jerked Booth into action. He leapt out of the bed and grabbed some pieces of clothing. His partner pulled the duvet up over herself. They spoke at the same time.

"I should..."

"Maybe you should..." They each took a breath to collect themselves before Booth spoke, this time, on his own.

"I should, y'know, head home..."

"Yeah." Brennan said, embarrassment colouring her words "I'll... see you later." Booth left the room.

Brennan flopped back onto the pillows. _'What happened last night?' _

_Booth had just returned from the house of Gormagon. He collapsed into one of the hospital chairs while Caroline explained Zack's sentence. Bones had sat next to him, close to tears- a rare occurrence. The betrayal of her protégée had shaken and surprised her- she wasn't used to being caught off guard. Their fingers brushed on the armrests of the chairs. _

_Later, knowing that neither wanted to be alone that night, he drove her home. Booth purposely made the radio music loud, in an attempt to block his thoughts. _

_Zack's betrayal hurt him too. The guy hadn't been particularly close to Booth, but still. He remembered the day he had told his friends that he was going to Iraq. Booth had felt a sense of fellowship with him. He'd stopped being one of the "squints." He was going where Booth had gone, serving his country as Booth had. For once, the Agent could relate to Zack. Finally, there was mutual understanding, a true unspoken bond. _

_Brennan was still numb. The music did nothing but irritate her. When they reached her apartment she invited him in. They sat and talked._

"_I could have stopped him, Booth, I could have..."_

"No Bones, you couldn't have. It's not your fault. People make decisions, Zack made some bad ones. His actions are his own responsibility. There was nothing you could have done."

Though Temperance could find the truth in Booth's words, his simple comfort wasn't enough to make her feel innocent, absolved. "But, those men...their deaths are on...me."Her voice cracked on the last word.

_"Hey, Bones, Listen to me!" He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. "Zack chose to go with Gormagon, he chose to murder somebody. You certainly didn't push him to it. You've done nothing but good for him. That kid's life revolved around the job __**you **__gave him." He took a breath. "Maybe you trusted him too much, but we all trusted him, ok? Hell, I trusted him. You cannot blame yourself for this. How were you supposed to know?"_

"_Ignorance is not an excuse Booth. I should have..." She never finished the sentence. Booth wiped away a tear she hadn't even known was falling, and then…_

_It was wrong, so wrong, professionally and personally, so why did it feel so perfect?_

_Kisses, fast, desperate, tearing at each other's clothing, in a way that was less to do with desire and more a need, a need to escape the darkness, not wanting to be alone._

Booth banged his head on the steering wheel. What had he been thinking? _'Stupid, stupid, stupid!' _he berated himself.

This wasn't the way he had wanted things to go. Whilst he did undeniably love her, despite the fact that he always had, he had wanted to take things slow. As in three years kind of slow.

The moment a few months ago when they finally kissed had been one of the best in his life. The woman he had loved from near and afar for the last three years had come at him and kissed him.

Then at the trial, on separate sides of the room, he had wanted nothing more than to hold her, to comfort her. When that lawyer had tried to pin it on her...he'd seen red.

Angrily, he put the car into gear and drove off.

Then she was up on the stage singing her heart out, all he wanted to do was dance with her, to sing with her, for the night to last forever. Then that woman, calling his name, pointing a gun at the love of his life, the woman he wanted, the woman he needed, shattered his peaceful fantasy.

He would always remember the world fading to black, yet feeling happy, because the last thing he had seen was her.

He ground his foot onto the accelerator, trying to leave the next thought behind.

At the "funeral" he had scrutinised her face, desperate for some trace of a tear. Why hadn't there been one?

A loud beep cut into his reverie. He hit the brakes, just before he collided with a car.

Now he had probably lost his one chance at happiness, his one chance at the woman of his dreams.

For what?

'_Stupid, stupid, stupid!'_

The same thought was running through Brennan's head.

Anthropologically unworkable. Isn't that what she'd said to Angela about Hodgins? Workplace romances change things- they change people, and they never work out for the better.

Not that it was a romance, she thought bitterly. One night stand is more appropriate. After all, he got what he wanted, then left.

Why was that a problem though? They had simply been satisfying their mutual sexual desire. Why did it have to be anything more?

Her logic couldn't convince her to belittle the situation. This was different; it had to be something more. It **was** something more, because it was Booth.

She hurriedly redirected her train of thought. Her feelings were too painful to deal with.

Worst of all, their professional relationship, conflicted at the best of times, would suffer.

She'd been so stupid!

The last three years, against all expectations, including her own, she had let herself fall in love with him, albeit slowly. Now...she was confused.

But, she argued with herself, what about the way he tried to make me eat pie? What if Sweets was right? Was he really trying to seduce me?

What about the way he brings me coffee, or tried to defend me at the trial?

What about the hugs and the kiss?

What about the way he took a bullet for me?

There was too much evidence, too much definitive proof. She suddenly realised two things; one, she had been blind. Stupidly, hopelessly blind. And two- she needed advice. She needed help.

"Angela?"

* * *

**A/N** Review! Please? My first Bones fanfic so please be nice  
Thank you to my beta Dr Temperance Brennan


	2. Chapter 2

"Angela

"Angela? I need some help!" Angela Montenegro pulled herself out of bed. Her fiancé was still asleep next to her.

"What is it sweetie?"

"I need to talk." The connection was rubbish. Brennan's voice sounded wobbly, as though she were on the verge of tears.

"Look, I really need to be here for Jack. Can't we talk on the phone?" She looked down at the sleeping mass of the man she loved. "He's really cut up about Gormagon and Zack-" Her friend cut her off mid sentence.

"Angela, _please._"Brennan pleaded.

Unable to resist the desperate calls of her best friend, Angela replied, "Alright sweetie I'll be over in a minute." 'What's so urgent that Brennan can't wait to share it with me?' She wondered.

"Jack?" She shook him gently. "Jack I have to go somewhere. Brennan called. She needs me."

"So do I." He told her, only semi conscious. "Come back to bed." He urged.

"I'm sorry hon, I'll be back soon." She pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too." Hodgins relented.

"Tempe?" Angela stepped into the apartment, not seeing any sign of her best friend. The place looked trashed, except that most trashed apartments didn't tend to have clothing strewn over the floor of the lounge.

"I'm in here." The voice sounded like it had on the phone, wobbly, with a threat of tears. Angela walked through into the bedroom, where Brennan was sitting on the side of the bed. Her eyes were closed and her head was bowed. She had the look of a priest presented with proof that their god didn't exist - utterly defeated.

"Sweetie...what happened?" The shock was obvious in Angela's voice. Brennan didn't even move.

"Booth." She replied in an agonized voice.

* * *

"So you slept with Booth - what's the problem? You two are obviously crazy about each other, so why are you so worried?" Confusion coloured Angela's voice.

"The problem is that workplace romances are..."

"Anthropologically doomed, yeah I know." Angela cut off her best friend. "But you said the same thing about Jack and me. And we're engaged now."

"Ange..." her voice rose." He used me! I was at my most vulnerable, and he used me! He just up and left me this morning. He was obviously embarrassed about sleeping with me, or he would have stayed!"

"On the worst night of your life, he provided you with what you needed most, human contact. Maybe he was embarrassed, but it wasn't because he was ashamed. It was probably just worried about what you might think."

"I suppose..."

"What does your heart say?"

"My heart is a muscle, with no sentient or moral functions, therefore..." She was silenced by the other woman's stare. "I'm confused Angie. It's so easy to love from afar, when you think its unreciprocated, or never going to happen, but...up close, it's different. He's an amazing man, or at least I thought he was...last night...it has to be more than a one night stand, because of who he is, but he just dropped me this morning, just left..." she trailed off into a saddened silence. Angela didn't reply.

They sat quietly for a moment before Angela spoke.

"Sweetie, for once in your life, let your heart rule your head and call him. He **is** a good man. I'm sure this morning was...there's probably a perfectly good explanation..." Angela sighed. Her friend had refused to accept that she loved Booth. Or that he returned her feelings. "He loves you sweetie, call him."

* * *

Back in his own home Booth also needed to talk, but to whom? His natural instinct would be to bottle it and talk to his partner about it tomorrow. But since his partner was part of the problem...

The squints would side with Bones that much was obvious. He had friends in the FBI and from the army and even old college friends, but none of them would be any help at all. He would never be able to discuss his feelings freely with anyone anyway; anyone whose name wasn't Temperance Brennan.

But he couldn't hope for that. Not after last night. Not after he had slept with her at her most vulnerable and abandoned her when he just knew she needed him the morning after.

He had never felt so alone in his life.

How much would it hurt, tomorrow, when he had to see her? And then again the day after and the day after that...when he had to see her every day and know exactly what he done, know that they could never be together.

Why had he left? He should have stayed; they could have talked it over. She wouldn't be angry at him and they might even have started something.

Who was he kidding? She would have thrown him out. She was too hard a woman to base a relationship on one night.

He smirked, surprising himself. He could imagine her saying those words. It was the kind of thing she would say.

Then he remembered her last night, snot dribbling down her face, tears streaking her cheeks, flushed red. Maybe she wasn't that hard after all.

Maybe he should request a transfer of partners so that he didn't have to put himself through that pain, knowing what he had lost.

The shrill of his phone broke through the ranks of angst and self hatred assembled in his head. He checked the caller ID and nearly dropped the phone.

Why was she calling him?

_Maybe I should ignore it, let her think I was busy. Then I could check the message and decide what to say._

_But then she might think I'm avoiding her. Might think she had just been an available outlet for my emotion. I should pick up, speak to her._

_But my emotions are too fragile; I might shout at her and make it worse._

_It can't get much worse._

"Hello?"

* * *

In a darkened room across town, Camille Saroyan sat staring at the wall. Loosing Zach had been...awful. She remembered sitting there in the hospital and then Booth and Brennan had arrived and then…

Her heart had sunk lower than she thought was possible.

She had always been the practical, pragmatic type. This feeling was alien to her, an unknown; the emptiness, the loneliness. She never thought that losing a team member would affect her in this way, especially not Zack, the geeky, nerdy grad student who needed social tutoring to so much as say hello to someone.

Part of it was that her gut instinct had been so wrong. She had always trusted her gut, but she had never even suspected Zack, too concentrated on Sweets. How many times could her gut have been wrong before? How many innocent men could she have put in jail with that gut feeling?

She couldn't rely on her intuition anymore, that much was obvious.

* * *

**A/N** Sorry this has taken so long guys!  
Reviews would be nice  
Thanks to my beta, Dr Temperance Brennan!


End file.
